Christian Men and Cheating Wives

Women who cheat on their husbands, having hot monkey sex with a badboy thug while playing the role of the faithful wife, are even worse than those who cheat and then seek divorce. Those women are not only cheaters, but also liars, deceivers, connivers and manipulators. I also don’t think they can keep it up if they have husbands who are paying attention. Is it any wonder that men worry about their wives cheating?

Certainly, not all women are like that. There are enough women who are exactly like that. And that’s a big part of the problem, IMO.

Agree with your statement about Christian men being expected to “warm it” at home. All this has really made me rethink the “Fireproof”/Promise Keepers movement. Even among Christian communities, men are expected to do all the work, bring all the assets, make her feel loved/safe/protected/provisioned. She need only bring….. her awesomely awesome self. The woman’s “virtue” and devotion to the marriage are presumed. If there is something wrong in the marriage, it is presumed to be the husband’s fault. The church attitude of “love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her” is translated by many women — and even pastors — as “the man/husband has to do everything for me, give me everything I want/need/desire, and cater to my every whim.”

What is conveniently omitted is the exhortation for wives to respect their husbands — which, IIRC, St. Paul states FIRST, BEFORE the instruction to men to love their wives.

On Dalrock – Is Frivolous Divorce Overstated


Follow up comment: December 30, 2011

Jennifer says:

“Pregnancy is a more harmful implication, but the problem I had is that I’m basically tired of seeing men, with usually loose morals, claim that male adultery is not as bad; ”

Christian morality draws no distinction between a man cheating on his wife, on one hand, and a woman cheating on her husband. In God’s eyes according to Scripture, both are equally reprehensible. But from a purely evo-bio standpoint, there are differences, and male adultery is not as threatening to a marriage as a wife’s adultery. Leave aside moral considerations and let me explain.

A man bears more risks, and more severe financial and other risks, from his wife cheating than she does if he cheats. The primary risk he bears is the potential for cuckoldry: being forced to support a child that is not his, with the full knowledge of the wife and her keeping that knowledge from him. This is simply because of the nature of female sexuality — she can have sex with men in succession and conceal the true identity of the father, and in fact not really know who the father is. She can also hide a clandestine affair from her husband, she knows the alpha interloper is the sire; but defrauds her husband into believing he is the father.

See the story of David and Bathsheba, in which David tells Bathsheba’s husband Uriah to go home for a time (i.e. “go have sex with your wife”) on his return from the battlefrontier. Why did David do this? Obviously, to help conceal his sin. If David had knocked up Bathsheba, he wanted Uriah to sex her up so everyone, including Uriah himself, would believe Uriah was the daddy. That’s I Samuel or II Samuel, I think.

The only way a husband can be sure the child is his is through DNA paternity testing. If the husband cheats and impregnates another woman, there is no chance the wife will be defrauded into supporting the other woman’s child. By contrast, there is a very real risk the wife can defraud her husband into supporting a child that is not his. This is a risk the wife simply does not run, and will never have to run.

There are differences in why husbands and wives cheat. If a husband cheats, it is usually for sexual variety. He has no intention of divorcing his wife. He simply wants some sex on the side, a fling, or a ONS. He is committed to his wife and has no intention of offering any kind of commitment, emotional or otherwise, to the fling or the ONS. (I know, I know, Jennifer, you’re gnashing your teeth and saying BAD BAD BAD JERK AMORAL ASSHOLE CAD PUA WAAAAHHHH WAHHHH WAAAAAH. I told you to leave the morality aside. Let me finish.)

It’s different when a woman cheats. When she cheats, she’s checked out of the marriage, She is 100% done with her husband. By the time she decides to offer her body to another man, she has nothing left for her husband. She no longer loves him (assuming she ever did love him or care about him in the first place), she feels absolutely nothing for him but contempt, hatred and derision. Before this she’s run the gamut of emotion with her husband: anger, asking him to “change” or “be more attractive”, then demanding that he “change”, threats, emotional distancing, girls nights out, marriage counseling, even trial separation. (Note that SHE demands that HE do things to make the marriage better. In her eyes if the marriage is having problems it is ALWAYS HIS FAULT. She is never held to account for her part in any marital problems.)

When she cheats, she is preparing herself and her body for a new husband and a new lover. When she cheats, she has moved on and is looking to fulfill the female imperative of serial monogamy — she’s done with this one and now wants the next one.

This is why wife cheating is worse than male cheating. When a wife cheats, it almost always means the end of the marriage. This is why when a man cheats, the wife wants to know “Do you love her?” Because the wife knows if he loves the other woman, he will invest in her (not the wife). He will want to give the other woman his time, his resources and his money. Almost all the time, he has not had sex with another woman because he loves the other woman. Rather, he had recreational sex with the other woman and is still in love with and committed to his wife.

But when she cheats, the husband wants to know “did you have sex with him?” Because if she had sex with him, she has severed her bond to her husband and bonded or sought to bond with the new man. Severance of that bond means she does not want the husband, does not love him and does not care about him or his feelings. Once she has severed that bond, it cannot be reconnected absent the most extreme effort, and he knows it is over. If she had sex with the new man, he knows that he no longer has any claim on her heart. And when you get right down to it, if she has had sex with another man, he knows that she has rejected him as not alpha enough and not a sufficiently suitable candidate to impregnate her with his seed.

That’s why wife cheating is far more threatening than male cheating is.


I don’t agree that husbands should be allowed to cheat on their wives. The sole purpose of my comment was to explain how and why wife cheating is more threatening to a marriage than husband cheating from an evolutionary biology standpoint. It should not be construed as a justification for husband cheating.

Husband cheating has its own problems: possible diversion of some husband time and resources, spread of venereal disease, possibility that he will impregnate the mistress.

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11 Responses to Christian Men and Cheating Wives

  1. deti says:

    All right. I’m gonna put one of my quotes here.

    from: http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/slut

    It’s important to understand why sluts are not good marriage material, unless they have done the work to truly reform (and even then they might not be suitable for marriage).

    Every time a woman has sex with a man, she bonds to him. I believe this is multifaceted and has biochemical, emotional, psychological and even spiritual components.

    Sex for a woman is penetration. She is taken. She is conquered. She surrenders and allows herself to be penetrated. pierced, impaled. She takes a part of the man’s body into hers and absorbs it. The man becomes part of her, physically and emotionally. That penetration reaches her all the way to the essence of her being. Nothing else in the female experience does this to her or for her.

    If she repeats this experience too many times, she continues making bonds with men as she takes them into her and absorbs parts of different men’s bodies into hers. At the same time she tries to bond with men she no longer sees (those bonds keep trying to “reconnect” to the man she’s bonded to), she is forging new bonds.

    I believe that her body, soul and even spirit try to dull or blunt the pain and experience of constant bonding and breaking, bonding and breaking, by preventing the bonding or reducing its effectiveness each time she engages in sex with a new partner. Eventually she becomes unwilling or unable to sense, feel, connect or bond, because the body and soul do all they can to prevent and stunt and relieve the pain and frustration of bonds that are constantly attempting to connect and constantly failing to do so.

    if the slut is to reform, these bonds that are constantly trying to connect with old partners have to be broken. Many times they are not. Some bonds are stronger than others, as with sex with a really attractive alpha. The stronger the bond, the more persistent it is and the more resistant it is to severance.

    The bonds present in the form of persistent memories, sexual fantasies, flashbacks, acting out, trying to recreate intense and/or pleasurable sexual experiences with new partners, frustration when sex with a husband is not as pleasurable as it was with the alpha,..

    For the slut to truly reform, her bonds to her previous sex partners have to be severed and left behind, and the wounds healed. That takes time — years, sometimes. It also takes much work. Usually, she needs help doing it, in the form of time, psychotherapy, avoidance of people, places and things that trigger her, dropping old friends, ending addictions.

    Sometimes those bonds cannot be broken, usually because she simply cannot let them go. Or more often, she chooses not to rekease them, or chooses not to try doing the necessary work.

    For whatever reason, women seem to have a much more difficult time with this than men do. Men seem much more suited to casual sex and don’t “bond” the way women do.

    All this is why all the talk of a slut’s inability to “pair bond” with a husband. The end result of all this is a woman who is emotionally, physically and sexually unavailable to her husband. She might want to be. She may try with all her might. But her ability to connect with a man, to feel, to open herself to him, to truly allow herself to belong to him, has been so damaged or destroyed, that she simply cannot bond and has rendered herself incapable of bonding.

  2. deti says:

    Here’s what a pastor should do with a slut. I’m not a pastor, but I’ve seen it done.

    1. She has to come to some sort of faith. Without it, she’ll stay right where she is emotionally, even if she never goes to another club and never sleeps with another man. She has to make a conscious decision to start living for something larger than herself. If she doesn’t, her hamster will take over and rationalize everything.

    She is told some hard truths. She is told that her lifestyle to this point is a result of her choices and she will have to accept full responsibility for those choices. She will have to live with the natural consequences of her conduct to this point — an incurable STD, a high partner count. True repentance will not erase a high partner count or cure an STD.

    She is told that if she wants to stop living as a slut and have any chance at a lasting marriage, she has to change her life. She should do this only because she wants to stop making poor choices and improve her chance of marrying. However, depending on her partner count, her appearance and her age, most men will reject her as marriage material. The best that can be hoped for is that perhaps a man will want to marry her. She will be told that if she wants a husband, she will probably have to accept what she can get, and that “what she can get” might very well be “no one”.

    2. She has to examine why she became a slut in the first place. That might require counseling, talking it out, whatever. There’s always a why, always a root cause. This will require nothing less than brutal, unflinching honesty with herself and one other person. Get it all out on the table — daddy issues, troubled home life, a traumatic event, an abortion, a bad sexual experience, aimlessness, entitlement princessing, attention whoring — whatever it is. Then she has to forgive it all and let it go.

    3. After she verbalizes the causes, she needs to set out her sex life for one other person. She needs to accept what her life became because of her choices. She needs to tell one other person, OUT LOUD, every last sexual thing she did, who she did it with, and how many men she did it with. She needs to own it, take responsibility for it, and acknowledge each of her sexual experiences resulted from HER choices.

    4. She has to make changes in her personal life. She has to remove things from her life.that led her to sluthood and that reinforce the behavior patterns that lead her to poor sexual choices. She has to break up with old boyfriends and not see them again. No more clubhopping, dancing on tables, or attention whoring. Get rid of the social media pages. Maybe she has other addictions–she needs to quit drinking or using drugs. All this might mean she loses some of her friends. Too bad. She’ll need to get new ones. She needs to sustain this new lifestyle for at least one year.

    5. She needs to get a complete head to toe physical exam including a complete blood count, basic metabolic profile, tests for all known STDs, and a complete inside and out exam by a board certified gynecologist. She needs to have a full understanding of her STD history, its implications for her future paramours (if any), and implications for her fertility.

    6. She needs to abstain from all dating and sexual activity for at least 12 months. During that time, she receives a full deprogramming from feminist indoctrination. She learns the truth about male-female relations, attraction triggers, and hypergamy. She learns the biblical view on male-female relationships and husband-wife relationships. She learns that high partner counts adversely affect a woman’s attractiveness as a wife and possibly her fertility.

    Dalrock added:

    A very likely consequence she must take responsibility for is her damaged ability to experience attraction for the kind of man she can marry, and (if she can experience this) a greatly weakened ability to sustain the kinds of feelings of pair bonding which she has been told are normal. Put brutally, if she marries she may well experience significant periods where she doesn’t feel “in love” with or sexually attracted to her husband. This problem is her creation and her responsibility to overcome. I don’t advise women to marry when this is a likely scenario because I don’t think we have it in us as a culture to demand that she fulfill her marriage vows anyway. However, if she insists on marrying anyway she needs to fully accept the responsibility of this. Her husband deserves a loving and available wife no less for having overlooked her damaging past. Her children deserve a mother and father who both act as husband and wife should, even if she is forced to fake this for extended periods of time (perhaps even years or decades).

  3. deti says:

    That last one is from:

    dalrock.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/mark-driscolls-feminist-foolishness-posing-as-christian-wisdom/

  4. Pingback: Marriage Risks vs Rewards | Deti Nation

  5. Chante says:

    I really like reading through a post that can make
    men and women think. Also, thank you for allowing me
    to comment!

  6. Dear John says:

    I have to tell the other guys here that the psychological pain of having an unfaithful wife lasts for years, maybe even a lifetime. I have been through hundreds of hours of therapy and I thought that the infidelity that ended my first marriage was in the past, but in the last few weeks it started surfacing in my dreams, and obsessing me like it did (X10) when it first happened. It was like turning a pile of compost that looks dry and dead, and seeing that here are layers that are still steaming and hot. I pride myself on having a high level of psychological self-insight, but I became aware that I actually repressed some of the most painful aspects of it, as a coping device. Now that it’s coming back to me, I recognize that I haven’t finished with it yet. It is important to have a site dedicated to the issues that men have, rather than the women’s magazine psychobabble version that makes it all seem sort of normal. A man should not get used to the idea that his wife is having sex with other men, period.
    I can’t tell the whole story in one post, but I’ll focus on what I had repressed, and how it is still hurting me to this day. I was going to university to get my degree in psychology. In my circles at the time, the whole New Age/Psychology Today/ women’s magazine advice columns claptrap was in vogue. My wife and I met at college, and we got inspired to live a holy life, so we moved into a religious community together. We were both very sincere and dedicated spiritual seekers who prayed and read from scriptures eight hours a day, as part of the community we were living in. We were both very pure beings, dedicated to seeking direct knowledge of God, and it was simply not even in the realm of possibility for me that my wife would ever contemplate committing such an impure act. We were happy together during this time and I thought that I had found my soul mate. I was very idealistic and very naïve.
    We left the religious community and I decided to go back to school and finish up my degree so I could get better jobs. My wife worked at a bank, and I took a heavy course load to finish school quickly. That created a power imbalance in our marriage, because I depended on her for all our income. She began to be resentful about not having a career of her own, and she started doing free-lance journalism, which I encouraged. She began to get a lot of by-lines in newspapers and magazines for her feature articles. With her newfound career, she began to hang out with a group of writers and journalists. She lost interest in maintaining the daily prayers and readings, which I kept faithfully, as well as to all the moral teachings we had learned through our teachers. I was Mr. Dudley DoRight, living a clean and pure life with my one love for all time. I noticed that she was adopting more and more secular values and attitudes, and seemed to be withdrawing from me. I thought that this was just a phase, and I was determined to get a good job so that she wouldn’t have to take on the whole burden of paying our bills.
    She began to spend more and more evenings away from home at night, “working on a story”. What a story that turned out to be! It seemed true, because she was publishing regularly, and I wanted her to have a life of her own. And, man, did she ever! I first noticed something changing in my sex drive towards her. I had to initiate sex every time, and she turned me down most of the time, claiming to need her sleep. Finally, I got resentful and stubborn, and I stopped asking at all. Then there was no sex, for months at a time. She occasionally would grant me some very tame, disinterested love-making, like she remembered that she had a chore to do. All this time, the affair was in full swing.
    After about a year of this misery, she announced out of the blue that she was leaving to “find herself”. {OK, this is what I just retrieved from my memory bank this week, after years in the basement of my subconscious mind. As she was leaving, she was carrying a handful of her toiletries, and out rolls her diaphragm! It was like a sci-fi movie, rolling in slow motion across the floor and landing at my feet. She turned crimson red and I blanched white. It was the second most embarrassing moment in my life. Embarrassment is not a strong enough word. My heart actually seized up, like I was having a heart attack. We both knew what that Freudian slip meant. She was planning to have sex with other men!} Turns out, she had been having a very lively sex life the whole time with her boyfriend, a man ten years older than her who was a nationally published journalist who started out mentoring her and ended up f*cking her three times a week, while she was “out on assignment” for her next article. She never mentioned him to me the entire time, and she never admitted that she had the relationship, ever. I found out about it through one of my university instructors, who knew the journalist. It was confirmed through my probing some members of her writer’s group, who knew about it all long before I did. They were not my friends, so no one felt compelled to tell me. They were all into f*cking each other in a series of revolving affairs, and so it was acceptable behavior in their decadent world.
    On some level, I think that she chose not to admit it to me because she did feel morally conflicted about it, and she did appreciate our comfortable domestic life together. She knew that I would be appalled beyond measure, and had she told me, I would have left her immediately. I colluded in this by not asking more questions about her frequent evening “assignments”. It was kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. I really didn’t want to know, and she was too ashamed to tell me. I do appreciate that her conscience got the best of her, because she realized that she could not continue to live a lie, and had enough integrity to get out.
    Of course, her high-end boyfriend got tired of her after a few months, and kicked her out to go live with her parents. That was some consolation to me. I think that he got off on the taboo aspect of it and when she became a housemate, he got bored with her and moved on to the next conquest. Man did I ever get the scales ripped from my eyes! My poor little heart was shattered, and my religious faith was severely tested. I thought that living a moral life was the ticket to protect me from misfortune, and all the while that I was being a good boy, never even looking at another woman or even relieving my sexual tension, she was out balling up a storm. I didn’t have a date or sex for six years after that. My self-confidence was shattered, and the heartbreak has never really healed.
    The conclusion that I came to was that I needed to be more worldly and less trusting. Trust but verify. The signs were there, but in the context of a false sense of “maturity” that made it bad form to raise suspicions about your mate’s fidelity , I chose to disregard the signs as insignificant.
    The bottom line is this: when your woman gets to the point where she is eagerly spreading her legs and laying out her p*ssy for another man’s c*ck and working it till he comes in her, you are finished as a lover. You might decide that you need to stay together for the kids or for all the intricate intertwining of your lives with family and finances, but dude, you’re toast. It’s best just to cut your losses and move on, so that you can recover your dignity and live with pride and self-respect. Infidelity is ‘game over’.
    Sadder but Wiser…

  7. Gnosis says:

    DJ, thanks for posting. I hope it helped exorcise some of your demons. I wish I could say that your experience was something rare, unfortunately it seems to be becoming the norm.

    I’m the one that setup this blog, it’s not Deti’s blog, but rather a collection of some of Deti’s postings. Unfortunately life has gotten busy and I’m not active much in the manosphere anymore and haven’t kept this blog updated. However, I’m aware that Deti still frequents Dalrock’s blog: http://dalrock.wordpress.com/

    Feel free to continue posting your comments here if you like. You may be able to help rip the scales out of someone elses eyes in the future.

    • Dear John says:

      Thanks for your encouragement, Gnosis. Curiously, my post hasn’t drawn much interest at all, so that confirms my impression, reinforced by reading through more of the other posts on both Dalrock’s and Deti’s blogs, that I’m in the wrong place. Initially, I thought that this was a site for Christian men, but most of the posters are clearly not real Christians, but mostly angry males with misogynist tendencies and relationship issues. I don’t even want to know someone who would actually post under the offensive handle Feminist Hater”!

      Maybe some may think that they’re Christians, but the level of venom and cynicism indicates that they have not really done much spiritual work. They are what I call “Cultural Christians”, for whom being a “Christian” is a social identity rather than an internalized spiritual process that leads to personal evolution for the benefit of God’s creation. I’ve noticed that this type of cultural Christian tends to fuse in right-wing politics with a simple-minded fundamentalist doctrine that makes no demands on them to be reflective or subject themselves to the true Christian discipline of growing in love and wisdom through radical self-examination in the light of the Gospel message.

      Most of the self-appointed TradCon types spend more time denigrating those they consider social deviants and bitterly denouncing ‘the culture’, without taking up Christ’s charge to transform the world and heal the culture through embodying a genuine and appealing social alternative that is rooted in agape. I won’t be posting here any more, but you are welcome to re-post these comments, with your commentary. I’m interested in checking out the reactions, if any.

  8. Gnosis says:

    DJ, don’t take offence that your original comment hasn’t been responded to and that no one has followed up on it. This blog doesn’t receive much traffic and I’ve not been around to keep it active, mea culpa.

    I agree that it does get a little roudy over there on Dalrock’s site. Although Dalrock posts from a Christian / statistician’s perspective he accepts comments from all. The commenters are a mixed bag of people, in fact if I recall correctly, some of the commenters have explicitly stated that they are not Christians. I apologize for that.

    I wish you all the best and hope you find a place to call “home”.

    • Dear John says:

      Gnosis,
      Thanks for clarifying the nature of that blog. I was appalled at the crudeness and ill-tempered spirit of a lot of the posts. Those are definitely not Christian values, at all. My rule of thumb is that I do not participate in unmoderated forums, because a Gresham’s Law takes root, in which the voices of reason and wisdom are driven out by the crazy trolls. Do you have any recommendations about where I might find a decent blog for Christian men?

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