When A Woman LJBF’s You

This series of comments originated on Dalrock’s post What Do HUSies Want. [The original post and the discussion that followed is worthwhile reading.] In the discussion a poster named Pb posted the following question:

A solicitation for advice on escaping the beta mindset: you can probably fill in the blanks, but as someone who has been probably LJBFed but was content to be a friend but is finally tired of being treated poorly as a friend/ignored, should I just cut off contact without saying anything or is that urge to say something a right one to follow? How should I channel the anger/hurt?

Deti responded with:

Not to pile on too much, but the advice you’ve received from bskillet and observer is sound. What I’m going to say will sound harsh, so I apologize in advance.

She LJBF’d you after you showed interest. You befriended her anyway. She was seeing someone else and is now overseas. You don’t like LJBF, you resent it, and you’re vacillating between making another try at her affections or just being friends or walking away. Walking away and cutting off all contact with her is the best option.  Never, never be friends with any woman who LJBFs you explicitly or implicitly.

What are you getting out of this “friendship”? She gets affirmation and validation in the form of attention from a man whom she knows wants a romantic relationship with her. You get nothing. She is using you and wasting (at the very least) your time.

Do absolutely nothing for a woman who LJBFs you. Do not spend time with her unless you and she happen to be in the same place with mutual friends. Do not give her any one on one time. Do not be her friend. Do not indulge her by listening to her stories of her a**hole boyfriends, her pump & dump misadventures, or how “I just want a nice guy who will treat me right.” Don’t return her phone calls or texts. Under no circumstances should you ever spend any money on her or give her any help with anything.

Women are the gatekeepers of sex. But YOU are the gatekeeper of your investment and commitment. The things you have of value are your time, money, expertise and resources. These things are valuable, and they should not be expended on anyone who is (1) unworthy; or (2) unwilling to reciprocate.

This woman wants you to invest in her for free — she wants you to give her your time, money and resources, but she wants, nay, expects, to give you nothing back in return. Her view on it is that all she has to do is grace you with her very presence, to dollop out small amounts of her attention on you, and you should simply want to reciprocate with your time. No. That is a waste of your time, and you should put an end to it now.

Yohami created a post of the above advice titled Deti Wisdom and added his take on it.

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5 Responses to When A Woman LJBF’s You

  1. Pingback: Gaming Your Wife Tips | Deti Nation

  2. Johnny says:

    You have a very valid point here, but what happens with an ex-girlfriend who I broke up with. I thought it could be better if we stayed as friends (to avoid ill conceived feelings), but I think I have to eliminate all contact to really get over her. What is your advice?

  3. deti says:

    Johnny:

    Depends on the situation.

    Here’s what I’ve done. I broke up with a girl who I just didn’t want to see anymore. To avoid the hard feelings, I let her down easy and then maintained some ever-decreasing contact for a while in the form of phone calls, then faded away after a while.

    I broke up an LTR, long distance relationship with another girl because we were mistreating each other, and we had gotten to the point where we just hated each other. About a month after the breakup I got a phone call from her. I listened politely, I let her say what she wanted, but I didn’t engage her. I then hung up after she said what she wanted to say. A few months later I received a letter from her telling me she had met a great guy. I didn’t respond. I never heard from her again. Note that I made no effort to contact her. I didn’t respond to the letter, and with the phone call I was polite but didn’t engage. I needed to end it with her and keep no contact so I could get all the way over her.

  4. Pip says:

    Also, if you and her find yourself together at a larger social gathering, treat her neutrally, never in a nasty way (unless she’s nasty to you). In a way, treat her like a cop who has pulled you over to issue a warning–respectfully enough, maybe with a hint of cheerful, but distantly and never bitterly. Don’t feed her need by looking petulant and don’t look like a bitter little troll to others. Also again, assume she has told everyone.

  5. MarkyMark says:

    My approach to the LJBF thing is this: she cannot and will not give me what I want (a relationship with her), so it’s best to not waste time and effort on her; my time and effort are best expended on seeking someone who WILL give me what I want and reciprocate my commitment.

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