Advice To A Daughter About Boys

Taken from Danny’s Deti Advice page with permission. This is the advice Deti would give to his daughter:

Dear daughter,

I know you’ve talked to your mom about boys and sex. Now I want you to listen to me. All of what your mom told you is, I am sure, well and good. But I want to tell you about the nature of men and women. What I am about to tell you is not a judgment about you, about men, or about women. It is about our human natures. It is not good or evil, right or wrong. These are immutable facts of human nature. They cannot be changed or abolished.

Men and women are different. Men want sexual variety. You will appear attractive to many men. To men, most women — including you — will be at least somewhat attractive. But to you, most men don’t show up on your radar screen. They just don’t. You simply will not see most men as attractive. You will see a few as attractive sexually, some other men as “friends”. The vast majority of men will be simply invisible to you.

As a woman, you don’t really much care for sexual variety. What you want is sexual primacy. You want to find the best man you can get. At your core, you are looking for a man who you perceive is better than you are in some way — looks, earning power, educational level, social status, social or workplace dominance. This is called female hypergamy — the tendency of women to “marry up” or find ever-better men than the ones they saw or had before.

You hold the sex card. That means that you decide who you will have sex with, when, where and under what circumstances. In terms of your value as a woman, the sex card is the trump card. It is the greatest power you have. You must not use or play it capriciously, recklessly, or frequently. For reasons I’ll explain below, you cannot afford to do so.

Men hold the commitment card. This means the man decides on whom he will expend money, time and resources; when they will be expended, how much will be spent, and ultimately when commitment will be provided in the form of exclusivity and marriage. The commitment card is the man’s trump card. It is the greatest power he has. You should not be surprised that he does not use or play it frequently or recklessly. He cannot afford to do so.

The relationships between the sexes have much to do with deployment of these two cards and the tension between them. Women often use their sexual charms to persuade a man to give her time, money, resources and ultimately, commitment in the form of a long term relationship or marriage. By contrast, men often dollop out commitment and resources in ever increasing amounts (or, mistakenly, all at once) in an effort to get the woman to have sex with him. A woman must do two things for relationship happiness and success: Attract the man, and keep the man. Initial attractiveness depends on these things, in this order: Looks, age, and chastity. Keeping a man means you have to bring more to the table than just your body. You will need to cultivate a pleasing, interesting personality.

APPEARANCE.

Your attractiveness to men begins and ends with your physical appearance. I am sorry, daughter, but this is the way it is. You must do all you can to improve your physical appearance.

  1. Keep your weight down. It is not fair that women are judged more harshly than men for weight issues, but they are. Excess weight is the most challenging attractiveness issue women face. Many women could improve their physical appearance greatly if they would simply lose weight, or keep their weight at a reasonable level. To put it bluntly, don’t get fat.
  2. Learn to wear tastefully applied makeup that works for your skin tone and facial structure.
  3. Get a good hairstyle that works for your facial structure and body type. Long hair is more appealing to men than short hair.
  4. Don’t smoke. Don’t drink to excess. Don’t use illegal drugs. All that partying ages a woman.
  5. Learn to dress well for your body type. Wear clothes that flatter your body type.

Get help from a fashion consultant or cosmetologist if you need it.

AGE:

You will be more attractive in your teens and 20s than at any other time in your life. I do not care what anyone else has told you. All other things being equal, you will be more physically appealing at age 20 than at age 40. Nearly all women at age 20 have some level of physical appeal. They have smooth skin, they don’t have a lot of excess weight, and they probably have not yet endured the body-changing experience of childbirth. As you get older, you will become less attractive even if you take good care of yourself. It is simply a fact that your physical appeal and attractiveness will decline sharply between the ages of 30 and 45. A woman at 20 is much, much more attractive than she is at age 30, even if she has taken good care of herself and kept her weight down. Her attractiveness only decreases further at age 40, all other things being equal.

If you want children, it will be much easier to carry and bear them in your 20s than in your 30s or 40s. I do not care what anyone else has told you. It is better for women to have finished bearing children by age 35. You have a much better chance of having healthy children, and fewer health risks to yourself, if you have them in your 20s rather than later. Not only that, once you have the children, you will spend the next 20 years raising them. Better to have them sooner rather than later so you have the health and stamina to raise them.

CHASTITY:

The fewer sex partners you have had, the more attractive to men you will be. Conversely, your attractiveness decreases as your partner count increases. I don’t care what you have heard from anyone else. A man does not want to be a woman’s 20th sex partner for any reason other than to have sex with her. (When it comes to sex, every man wants to be Captain Kirk: he wants to boldly come where no man has come before.) He certainly will be far less inclined to view her as relationship material.

Men can tell which women have had a lot of sexual experience and which have not. The more men a woman has sex with, the less attractive she will find the man she ultimately marries (that’s if she can find one to marry her after so many partners). Studies show that women with high partner counts are higher risks for divorce. As her partner count increases, so too does the likelihood of unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STD. Don’t think you can beat the odds. You can’t. If you decide to have sex with lots of attractive men, your attractiveness will decline with each new partner. Even if you don’t get pregnant or contract an STD, your higher partner count makes you less attractive to men for anything other than sex. As you get older and remain unattached or unmarried, you will find it increasingly difficult to attract men. Before you know it, you will have squandered your most attractive years on men who would not give you the commitment you were trying to extract from them. You played your trump card; you showed your entire hand. And you are the one who has lost out.

The sexual marketplace puts different values on male and female sexual experiences. For men, increasing sexual experience boosts their confidence. For women, high partner numbers tend to harden and coarsen women. For reasons I’m about to explain, a coarse, cynical, jaded outlook on life is not what you want to cultivate when looking to attract and keep a man.

PERSONALITY, BEARING AND DEMEANOR:

To keep a man, you must offer more than looks, age and chastity. You must cultivate a pleasant personality. Optimism, cheerfulness and an upbeat outlook are key here. Men don’t want a pessimist, or a woman who complains and nags. Be kind, pleasant, optimistic and non-demanding. This is not to say that your needs are not important. They are. Just recognize that his needs are important too. Your wants and needs do not always come first.

Don’t be crass, rude, vulgar, profane, sarcastic or caustic. Don’t complain about his hobbies or interests. Men absolutely hate it when their women complain, grouse, or bother them about things. Men absolutely hate being around a pessimistic woman who can’t find anything good about her life, her circumstance, the people around her, or herself. Men do not like gossiping, sniping or sarcasm from women. Most of all, men absolutely do not want to be with women who act like, talk like or look like men.

INTERACTIONS WITH MEN:

Men display themselves to women. Women choose men based on the displays they see. Thus, you will be the one doing the choosing. Men will approach you and talk to you, chat you up. Almost all the time, it is because they want to get to know you with the ultimate goal of having sex with you. They are not talking to you for intellectual stimulation or to befriend you. They want to have sex with you.

You will not find most of these men attractive. You will have to reject the vast majority of them. A simple “I’m not interested” will suffice. Be kind. Do the rejection in private if you can. If you can’t, do it as quietly and discreetly as possible.

The men you will find attractive will be those who display confidence, power, charisma, and dominance. Just recognize that most other women will also find these same men attractive. There will be other women who will be better at attracting these men than you are. If you deploy sex to “get” these men and beat out other women, then about the only thing you can reasonably expect from these men is sex.

In relationships with men you will be governed mostly by your feelings, while men look to their thought processes and judgments. This is not a bad thing; it just is. Don’t make decisions based on feelings or your girlfriends’ judgments.

You will “fitness test” men. You will challenge them to see if they can stand up to you. If he gives you everything you want, he will have “failed” the test and you will see him as less and less attractive. If he ignores your tests or changes them back to you, he will have “passed” in your eyes.
It is your natural tendency to try to control your man and get him to do what you want. But if your man complies with your demands you will find him less attractive, because:

  1. It’s boring
  2. it’s predictable
  3. he’s needy

Men have a tendency to try to “be nice” to women, because society tries to pound this message into men’s thought processes. The men you will find most attractive are not those who are “nice”, but those who are independent and who don’t seem to need you. A man who professes to “need” you probably has a lot of issues you don’t want to get tangled up in.

Signs of a needy guy or “nice” guy:

  1. Buys you a gift or flowers on the first date or right afterwards
  2. Spends exorbitant amounts of money on your dates
  3. Contacts you the very next day for another date
  4. Tells you first that he loves you
  5. Wants sex right away, or wants to have sex every time he sees you
  6. Asks for permission to kiss you or make sexual moves
  7. Does everything you ask, when you ask, every time you ask
  8. Constantly asks “are you OK” or “is everything all right” or “are you mad at me”

You will need to break up with a man at some point. When this happens, the best way to break up with him is to simply say “I don’t want to date you anymore.” That’s it. That’s all you have to do. The reasons you will break up are:

  1. He’s seeing other girls and you don’t want that
  2. He’s no longer attractive
  3. He’s not as attractive as you thought he was
  4. He’s making sexual demands or moves before you are ready
  5. His life plan and goals are not compatible with yours
  6. You just don’t like him anymore

If a relationship is over, don’t spend any more time on it. Get out of it. If a date did not go well and you don’t want a second date, make sure you turn him down if he asks.

[Update:]

You must honestly assess your place in the SMP. Take a good hard look in the mirror. Your initial sexual market value (SMV) will depend on your appearance. Do everything you can to improve your physical appearance. Get and reach an honest assessment of your SMV on the 1-10 scale. You will be happiest with a man who is at or one point above your own SMV. You will not be happy with a man below your own SMV because your hypergamous instincts will reject him.

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11 Responses to Advice To A Daughter About Boys

  1. sarita says:

    “You hold the sex card. That means that you decide who you will have sex with, when, where and under what circumstances.”

    I find it fascinating that some men in the sphere can be so straightforward about these things, put forth such logical, and good advice, yet there are still people here (not you, specifically) that have trouble understanding the basic rules of consent. Women decide who they have sex with. They decide who. They decide when. Men shouldn’t be deciding that for them against their will. Yet there are some people in this sphere that find that so confusing and seem to think rape is okay under certain circumstances. Like there’s “okay rape” and “bad rape,” and rape is okay if you know her or something. Either that, or rape is something that only happens to bad women who don’t hide under the burqa. Absurd.

    Anyway, sorry for derailing an awesome post. I just thought what you wrote was great overall. Hope more men give their daughters this lesson.

    • Gnosis says:

      Thank you for the feedback.

      I don’t know what sites you frequent because I have not seen one site in the manosphere that advocates rape. It seems that you have the subject on your mind even though it has never been mentioned on this blog before. Let’s stick to the topic at hand: Advice for daughters.

      Note to others:

      Any further comments on the subject of rape will be held in moderation and edited.

    • sarita says:

      sorry for derailing. [ No worries ]

      the sites I’m thinking of ([ edited ]) are either way, being investigated, or the owner’s been arrested, so it doesn’t really matter.

      [ Yes, it doesn’t matter. 🙂 Thanks again for the feedback. :)]

  2. M3 says:

    Reblogged this on M3 and commented:
    More from Deti. I swear he should write a book.. a supplement to the ‘birds and the bees’ talk.

  3. Will Smith says:

    “5. Wants sex right away, or wants to have sex every time he sees you”

    Strange, the last girl I was dating (mid-twenties, married) wanted me so badly that we ended having sex every day we were together. I guess that clause is tricky, because some needy guys can actually demand sex fast, but if you have a passionate relationship, then frequent sex is quite normal.

    • Gnosis says:

      Will Smith: “the last girl I was dating (mid-twenties, married)”

      I’m not sure which of these you mean:

      a) the last girl you dated (now you’re married to someone else)
      b) the last girl you dated was married
      c) the last girl you dated is the one you married.

      If it was (a) then the end results speak for themselves. You didn’t marry her and her promiscuity was something you really enjoyed while it lasted.
      If (b) then no comment on either of your characters.
      If (c) then this would be the exception to the rule.

      Context is everything Will, remember that advice is for a father to his daughter. I don’t know of any fathers who want the town tramp for a daughter.

      • Will Smith says:

        Thanks for pointing out that need for clarity. That girl was married, so option b)
        And yes, I didn’t think of this as advice for a daughter, but as an alternate interpretation for any guy to push for sex fast.

        And c) would be an awesome story, but I don’t plan to get married anytime soon (I’m in my early 20’s)

  4. greenlander says:

    Great post. I almost wish I had a daughter so I could tell her this. Instead, I’ll have to settle for getting the daughters of other men to play their “sex trump card” frequently and recklessly.

  5. Pip says:

    I came here all ready to add “be young and be thin over all else”…and then I see it loud and proud above. You are the real deal, Deti.

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