Advice To A Son About Girls

Taken from Danny’s Deti Advice page with permission. This is the advice Deti would give to his son:

Son, I know you’ve probably talked to your mom about girls and sex. That’s fine, but I want you to listen to me. What I am about to tell you about women is not a judgment about women. It is about men’s natures and women’s natures. It is not good or evil, right or wrong. This is just the way women are. You must accept these as facts of the dating and sexual market. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change any of this. The best you can do is use these facts to your advantage and to help influence things to go your way.

I do not care what else you have heard or what others have told you. It is not true that women are impossibly complex and they cannot be figured out. In fact, once you master a few simple precepts about women, navigating their minds and hearts really turns out to be an easy task. These are immutable facts of life about women. They cannot be modified or abolished. They can be covered or masked for a time, but their attributes always come out.

All women are like this. Teenage girls. Elderly ladies happily married for decades. College students. Dull uneducated girls. Country girls who grew up on farms. City girls who grew up poor in ghettos and working class neighborhoods. The uptown girl with the designer clothes and Daddy’s Beemer. A girl on her first boyfriend. A girl on her 20th boyfriend. A woman on her fifth husband. Virgins. Sluts. Church ladies (especially church ladies). Housewives. Lawyers. Doctors. Businesswomen. Politicians. Teachers. Waitresses. Secretaries. Chief executive officers. It doesn’t matter their age, race, station, income, socioeconomic status or walk of life. They are all like this, despite their protestations that they are not.

Women hold the sex card. They decide when and under what circumstances sex happens. You hold the investment and commitment card. You decide how much time, money and resources you will give women, how much commitment you will give them, and when that commitment will be made.

Men display themselves to women. Women choose men based on the displays they see and discern. Your attractiveness to women depends secondarily on a few things: your environment, the ratio of men to women in your locality. But your attractiveness to women will depend primarily on the display you make to them: your body and how it looks, the confidence you have in yourself, your ability to dominate and influence situations, and your control over yourself and your circumstances.

Men are attracted to a woman’s physical attributes, youth, and a pleasing personality. Women are attracted to male confidence, dominance and projections of power and charisma.

The way you attract women is to be the best man you can be. Work on your body and keep it reasonably fit. At least make it look like you care about how your body looks. Do your own thing. Do things you enjoy. Get good at something. Do not sit on your behind at home, watching TV or surfing the internet. Get out there and do things, meet people and go places. Have a good cadre of male friends and when you get with a girl, DO NOT DITCH THEM. Have a life separate from your girlfriend. You want her in your life, but you do not NEED her. If she fits into your life, great. If she doesn’t, then end it and move on. Make a life plan for yourself and work on it. Decide what you want to be and work on it.

Do not listen to what girls say they want. I do not care what your mother has told you. The last thing you should do is “be nice, and be yourself”. Girls do not want “nice guys”. They want confident guys.

I do not care what anyone else has told you, or what you have learned in school. Men and women are very different. They do not approach sex or male-female relationships in the same way. A woman’s view of men is very different from your view of women.

Despite what you may have heard from women or read, women are not naturally monogamous. They are not designed to stay with one man. They are designed to seek out and be with the BEST man they can find.

You think that most girls and women are hot. You want lots of women — sexual quantity. To you, most women have at least a few attractive qualities, good enough to have sex with. And if you had the chance, you would probably have sex with more than half the women you meet.

Women are not like that. To women, only a small percentage of men are even remotely sexually attractive. They just don’t see most men sexually. And you get only one chance to make a first impression on a woman. Women have two categories for all men. Category 1 is “I would have sex with him.” Category 2 is “I would never, ever in a million years have sex with him.” A woman puts every man she meets into one of these two categories within the first few seconds of meeting him.

Therefore, most women will not find you sexually attractive. A woman does not really want lots of men. She wants the best men — sexual primacy. A woman goes through a series of men because she wants to find the best men. If she believes you are the best, she will select you until a better one comes along. What a particular woman believes is “the best man” is purely subjective to her. But the constants are: confidence, dominance, charisma, power.

Learn indicators of interest that women give you. Learn what they do that shows they are attracted to you. They are:

  1. Going out of her way to see you or talk to you
  2. Downward chin tilt when averting gaze
  3. Smiling, laughing
  4. Letting you into her personal space
  5. Light touching
  6. Fiddling with her hair or touching her face
  7. Hanging out with you or seeking you out to talk to you

If you don’t start seeing IOIs in five minutes, bail out and move on. And when a girl says she just wants to be your friend, she is really saying “I am not sexually interested in you”. And when she says this, politely bail out and move on.

You must remember at all times: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER WOMAN. You can always replace a woman. There are many, many women out there. When (not if, WHEN) one breaks up with you, there will always be another. If you approach and she rejects you, there will always be another. If a date doesn’t work out, there will always be another.

But don’t use your knowledge of women or the principle of female abundance to mistreat them. Don’t blow her off, be a jerk, be rude, or be arrogant. There’s no reason for that. If you do that, word will get around about you, and women will avoid you.

You are going to be rejected a lot. You need to accept that now, deal with it now, and DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

Girls are going to break up with you. There is no getting around this. When this happens, you need to accept it, take the time to get over it, shake it off, and move on. If you did something to cause it, find out what it is (you will know what it is). If it was wrong or counterproductive, correct it so you don’t do it again with the next one. Don’t beg her to stay with you. Don’t ask for another chance or tell her you’ll change. Whatever you do, DO NOT get hung up on the idea that this girl is the only one for you. It is not true. If she did not like you, another one will. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER WOMAN.

DO NOT make heavy commitments to a girl you just started dating. Don’t spend lots of money on her. Don’t tell her how much you like and love her. Don’t give her all your commitment all at once. Hold back until it’s appropriate. Even then, never, ever let a woman use you or walk all over you. If she can withhold the sex, you can withhold the commitment.

You are going to face fitness tests. She will challenge you to see if you can stand up to her. Simply ignore those tests. Don’t respond to them. If you cannot ignore them, laugh at them. Change the subject and talk about something else. Or turn it back to her in question form. Whatever you do, don’t give her what she wants. When you give in, she will know she can control you — and your relationship is doomed.

You will have to break up with girls. There will be many reasons for this.

  1. She is able to control you, probably because you’ve failed too many fitness tests. You’ll naturally bristle at her controlling you. Just end it. The relationship’s probably too far gone anyway.
  2. She is cheating on you.
  3. Her goals aren’t compatible with yours.
  4. For whatever reason, her life does not fit in well with your life.
  5. You just don’t like her anymore.
  6. She nags and complains at you all the time.
  7. She makes unreasonable demands on your time, attention, money or resources.

When you end it, do so firmly and kindly. Just say something like “I don’t want to date you anymore.” That’s all you have to do. If you want to tell her why, tell her succinctly with not a lot of explanation. Don’t offer to let her “change”. Don’t hold out the possibility of “getting back together”. Just end it if that’s what you have decided needs to be done. And remember: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER WOMAN.

[Update: ]

You must honestly assess your place in the SMP. Take a good hard look at your strengths and weaknesses. Play up your strengths and downplay your weaknesses. Get and reach an honest assessment of your sexual market value (SMV) on the 1-10 scale. You will be happiest with a woman who is within a point up or down from your own SMV.

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4 Responses to Advice To A Son About Girls

  1. Suz says:

    Excellent as usual. I just sent it to my son.

  2. Pip says:

    “Women are attracted to male confidence, dominance and projections of power and charisma.”

    Women are also attracted to comeliness. For best results among the largest group of women: be tall; don’t be old; be funny; don’t be too dumb; have hair on your head; be trim but not scrawny; and don’t be Asian.

    (Said as a shrimpy, scrawny redhead in a LTR with an Asian.)

  3. Pingback: Linkage Is Good For You: 7-22-12: Holmes Killer Edition | Society of Amateur Gentlemen

  4. Badger says:

    The only quibble I had with this when Deti first wrote it was this:

    “THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER WOMAN.”

    There will always be another woman IF your lifestyle is set up to expose you to new women. At the time, I was working my balls off in a tech jon, blogging and doing the occasional evening out. I wasn’t meeting any women, thus there wasn’t going to be another woman. Another woman will not magically walk into your life without you doing anything; guys need to understand that they need to make meeting women part of their regular life pattern, and then there will always be another woman.

    http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/the-100-approach-challenge/

    [Added some highlighting for you. ;)]

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